Well, the no carb rule after six is working well, though didn’t go on the elliptical yesterday. I was too tired after staying up late to finish my deadline. Today, however, I plan to: begin new astrology content early, go 15 min on the elliptical, walk dog for 1 hour, make zucchini soup, and be an all around practical person.
Mr A is going to get his biopsy this Tuesday. And all this makes me really want to smoke. The problem is, I have to be a strong supportive person. Smiling and happy, and “there” for him. When in reality there is a myriad of tiny little “what ifs” scurrying across my defensive walls like a swarm of cockroaches invading a messy greasy spoon restaurant.
I am a great actress, I can put on that smile, I can look good, etc. But If I am going to process the feelings properly, I will need to develop some kind of support system.
Mr A and I hardly see each other now, he leaves for the company with a produce name early in the morning and comes home late at night, goes to bed at 9pm and the day starts over again. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy he’s gainfully employed in something that he feels passionate about. But our communication is getting a little messed up. Even simple things like “I think I will make corn for dinner” turns into “I think I will make porn for dinner” because Mr A is hurrying around gathering his stuff so he can rush off to work.
I actually said “porn” the second time, and he thought I said “corn.”
You would think I would be an experienced caretaker, but to be honest, it gets harder not easier with experience. That and I’m starting to feel as if I am cursed or something. X2 was in ICU for 2 months, went into a coma and died (clinically) twice, and bounced back so far he landed in another marriage.
Not that Mr. A is going to do that. But he better not leave me, not now. That’s all I have to say about that.
OK vent done..working on thinking positive and bringing positive things to me. I love the movie the Secret (the book is way too self help to read)…I know it’s corny but it really helps me change my inner dialog. These are the things they ask you to do:
1. Don’t worry
2. Be yourself (it’s hard to do 1 and 2 though…)
3. Be Grateful
4. Be creative
5. Visualize positive results
6. Act as if you already have it
7. Use your love
8. Give (get good karma)
9. Smile
10. Look into people’s eyes
11. Use touch.
Note to self: Just because I want to smoke doesn’t mean I will. Smoking is expensive …and I just don’t have the money for such madness. Maybe I’ll take up boxing instead.
And remember that Ian and I are here for you too. You both are not alone in all of this, we are all in it together. We have to take this time to band together and strengthen out bonds, not let these worries tear us apart.
We are far stronger as a team than separate.
I’m here too! always available for a chat whether on the phone or in msn. It will all be ok because you will make it that way. Make sure you take care of yourself so that you have the energy to be there for Mr. A.
Not sure how your Mr A handles health situations, but the hardest thing for me has always been my parents putting on a facade that everything is okay. I actually feel better when they breakdown (and not just because I’m a sadist) – because it means they understand what a major issue it is when I agree to surgery or a new course of treatment. Families get affected, not just the patient.
Though you and Mr A aren’t communicating very well there is the weekend (I know that sounds trite) to have a chat about what the health scare means for both of you. I’m sure Mr A is very aware of your insecurities with regards to health issues for someone close to you, as X2 went through alot & when he healed up he went off with someone else.
Don’t hide your feelings, you need a way to vent and cry if necessary. Beckster, Ian, Shitzustaff and myself are here for you – along with all your other friends.
But don’t be looking towards the negative until the results are in. Chances are that the cysts/bumps are benign.
Everything will be ok and everything happens for a reason. Maybe someone is telling you that you do need to be closer and this is the opportunity for you to express your feelings. Communication is essential for a strong relationship. Maybe you both just need to take a day and spend some quality time together.
Good Luck! Take care of each other!