Well yesterday, after I wrote my blog I made sure that I stuck to my WW frozen dinner during break time at work, though I did have some chocolate it was from the 25 cent machine that only dispenses a small amount. I also went home and went straight to bed. I had to really tough it out, it was hard, this eating thing before I go to bed- what a bad habit. The good thing too is now I’m also working at the copy center at work, which means that work consists of me running around picking up things, bending over etc. My ankle, which I sprained a last week is much better now, though I think I need a new shoe insert. I’m also thinking about going to the doctor and seeing an orthopedic specialist so I can get much better shoes. But that’s another story…

Oh and so you hear it here, I’m committing to go to the 12:15 WW meeting this Friday.

I find myself with some free time after finishing my college course. And free time can be a dangerous situation  , right now I have this horrible need to binge. 

Is it the endless cloudy days? Or the frustrations I feel at work. I was passed over for a promotion, which was disheartening and frustrating at the same time. But what kind of promotion was it anyways? I’ve settled into a job that’s part-time, and I’m surrounded by teenagers. I am grateful to be just working: but I know I’m not even close to working up to my full potential. Personally, I feel cast adrift at this point. So I’ve fired up this blog again in hopes that it will help me get back on track. Working in the big box store, I am faced with too many temptations. I also found out that my favorite snack is evil: popcorn, that friend turned out to be a foe, where half a bag more turns out to be fattening than a kit kat bar or a small bag of chips. Go figure.

This is a great site for calorie counters: http://caloriecount.about.com

Not only does it count your calories but it also grades food nutritionally..

With my Employment insurance suspended, and my dad getting worse and worse, this has been a very tough time for me. My dad has multiple infections and is in the ICU, recently they gave him a tracheotomy. Because he has C difficile we can’t enter his room without getting dressed in a hospital gown, wearing gloves and a mask.

I am desperately seeking a job, because it really sucks when you don’t have any money coming in. Andrew is barely making ends meet and it’s been more than difficult lately. I have been learning to be frugal, and I’ve also become humble. I miss that steady paycheck more than you can know.

My therapy lately has been knitting, and reading. I find that when I am knitting, it is impossible to eat. Which is great I have been putting off eating as I knit and knit away.

 I’m not the only one who thinks that knitting is great therapy:

http://www.bps.org.uk/media-centre/press-releases/releases$/division-of-clinical-psychology/knitting-by-the-guillotine.cfm

Apparently, when you are busy doing a mindless task when going through a traumatic event, the memories are easier to process.

So,as I deal with the thoughts of no money, governmental red tape, and my dad’s sickness and perhaps impending death, I have managed to knit a ridiculously long DR Who Scarf for Andrew. Hey, at least I’m not drowning my sorrows in Hagen Das Strawberry Cream Cheese ice cream.

   The hardest part of the day is the evening. Mostly because after cooking a meal (when I am hungry) and after bad habits like reading/eating and watching tv/eating get me into trouble. I really need to find a new hobby. I think today, my goal would be to not eat after dinner. I think that would be a big one for me, and maybe also have things like carrots ready for me when I am cooking dinner. Though I don’t know what the heck I will make tonight, I draw a blank. Outside today it’s -20 right now… which is nasty, anything under -10 makes it hurt to breathe when I am walking outside. I don’t know how my friend Erin in White Horse does it. 

OK enough whining for now. Today I have some cleaning up to do, (always good indoor exercise) and other duties, such as scanning want ads, writing cover letters and updating the PSA list for the charity that I am working for.

(Image from Corbis)

Well, I’m in a positive mood today, thinking that there is a lot of good potential out there for me to work on. I’m going to use this energy to accomplish as much as I can and make this day productive.

It is super cold outside so I’ll walk the dog around 1pm …the warmest part of the day… when it will go to around -15 instead of -20….

So far this has been my food

Breki
2 Rice cakes, tlbs peanut butter, 1 tsp honey, coffee= 5 points

Lunch

Carrot soup 4 points, 1 slice bread 2 points, margarine .5 points, orange 1 point= 7 points

I didn’t eat lunch until like 3pm I was very obessed with writing a resume/cover letter to this one company.

2 cookies, 2 small chocolates 6 points

6 porgies 8 points, sour cream 1 tlb 2 points, sauerkraut, popcorn (light) 11 points

snack rice cakes 1 point

Total daily points- 30 points..wow just made it whew.

It’s been a rough last couple of days with my Dad in ICU with acute pancreatitus he’s 75. My eating habits have been messy. Well tomorrow is another day.

It’s a busy yet productive day today. I am in a relatively positive mood. So far I’ve had the usual for breaki:

2 rice cakes 1tb penut butter, banana, honey and coffee= 7 point.

It is almost 11 am and I am hungry, but I haven’t showered and am still in my PJ’s (working at home will do that to you).

Rebbecca, my darling daughter keeps on forgetting to take the offending cookies to her starving student friends. However, today, they are not a tempation.

I am not falling into the “Feel the fear and eat it anyways” trap.

Lunch: 1/2 cup of pasta  whole wheat…and 1 cup tomato sauce with turkey, 1 oz ham= 4 points

Mood- I’ve been trying to distract myself from eating, by giving myself things to do before I eat, this seems to be wroking.

Well the only way to keep on going here– is to keep on going. I’ve been struggling with some tough emotions, that, and an abundance of cookies in my kitchen. I wrapped up some of them and asked my daughter to hand them over to starving students; someone left a whole bunch of stuff on our doorstep: chocolates, (home made of course) cookies etc…nice but nasty.

However, the holidays are over now, and I have to get my act into gear, which means that it’s time to take care of stuff like doing voluteer work (getting out of myself), and finding support. I’m going to have to start hassling my body buddy again.

My food list for today:

Breaki 2 rice cakes penut butter and coffee 6 points

Snack- chocolate 3 points, 2 rice cakes, coffee= Mood bad. I have been feeling really negative and it’s not like me. Mostly stressed out about lack of job, and dad’s sickness. 6 points ….that takes me to 12 points…I think I’ll try to have something healthy for lunch.

Lunch: 8 trisket crackers 1 oz cheese 1 oz turkey breast, orange- 7 points (19 points)

cookies ..uggh (22 points)

spaghetti whole wheat with sauce 6 points, popcorn 1 point, chocolates 3 points, vodka 2 points…

Grand total: 33 points.

Note to self- you need to get down to 30 points girl.

Well, I guess I am going to try to attempt to continue here, it’s hard because since I have lost my job, I don’t have that much computer time as I normally would when it comes to writing down my food…ok maybe that’s a cheap excuse, I have been coasting weight wise for the past few weeks month or so. I did gain about five pounds, but haven’t started smoking, and now have finally stopped mourning for my old job.

I went to an annual Yule gathering with my friends, and we ate Japanese which wasn’t bad, but there was stuff like chocolate and cookies. One of my friends though is weirdly losing weight without trying but she is also afraid that she has cancer…(she had some scares with her oncologist)….but also has thyroid issues, so maybe her thyroid has turned hyper (?) needless to say she is a little weirded out that she can eat what she wants but is still losing weight.

Me, well, knock on wood, my health has been ok…except that I can’t eat what I want and not gain weight. Though I have to say dinner was pretty small, mostly because Rebecca tried to make a small turkey in our convection oven…it didn’t look done exactly, which was a problem. She should have taken Andrews offer up and allowed him to barbecue it…hahahaha.

Oh yah my oven is broken. I’ve had some bad Feng Shui going on…or maybe all that stressing of mine has caused poltergeist activities to occur in my kitchen. But over the last few days I’ve had a leaking ceiling, broken oven, and a kitchen drawer cover fall off….all within the vicinity of a wind chime that I hung over the oven to bring me luck. I guess Feng Shui and me don’t jibe well enough together.

So I haven’t eaten any food yet, I’ll add it in as I go on today.

Breaki: bagel 6 points. Peanut Butter 1 tlb 2 points, honey 1 tsp .5 points, coffee 2 points (cream and sugar)

Mood: H.A.L.T – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired-

The residual frustration of not getting my way during the holidays has been an ongoing theme. Remember, I am writing this down as I process my feelings rather than eating because of them. So I was frustrated I had no stove this holiday, no way to get a new one in time, also frustrated (peripherally) about my lack of having a job.  But since I’m heading back to the wagon…I am also going to do things that will help me process my feelings in a creative way. One of course is writing in this blog, other things I can and will do today is walk my dog, and listen to Tibetan music and clean up. Since I’m on the run today, I’ll bring my notebook with me so I can jot my feelings down as I eat lunch.

Lunch-sandwich and diet coke 10 points

Snack latte 5 tart 6=11

total points so far-23 points

exercise 3 hours walking -9 points

mood while eating: fighting to keep from feeling bad about my situation….to stay positive, to think good thoughts about others around me. ..so, still the A in angry there.

I managed not to gain a lot of weight, but my food has been messy. So I’m going to start today again and try to get on track:

Breki

2 rice cakes, 2 tlb pb, banana, coffee= 9 points

 Lunch: Talking to negative people.11:19 am

As you know I’m in between jobs, so keeping a positive view is sometimes hard. However the good news is I a have not been over eating, as a matter of fact, it’s done me good not to be tied to my desk.  I am chatting with a person who has a very negative outlook on life and I just don’t want to go there. She thinks the whole world is out to get her. I can’t help her. Period.

Lunch: Leftover stir fried veggies 1 point, sausage 4 points, rice 1/4 cups 1 point= 6 points

Exercise: Walk dog for over an hour.

I am really missing my friend Yukon girl, who was a great walking companion. *sigh* I miss her little dog too! She would have been great during this transitional time for me.